People of Minnesota, we may be at risk of losing an important cultural and culinary asset: The Jucy Lucy. Friends, the beloved Matt’s Bar (no relation to the author), home of the signature dish, is not fit for us to consume our Jucy Lucys in. The building is old and cramped, on busy nights diners have to contend with waiting customers standing over them until tables open. And the kitchen, so outdated, there’s hardly space for the bartenders and cooks to squeeze around each other. How about parking? It’s a mess. Customers are limited to fighting for precious few street spots.
Friends, this is no way to enjoy this state treasure. Something must be done to save the Jucy Lucy, lest they pack up the grills and head out of town! If we act fast, we can save the Jucy Lucy, provide a better dining experience, and show everyone what true fans of the Jucy Lucy this state is! Lucky for everyone, I have that plan.
People of Minnesota, we need to build a new Matt’s Bar. A better Matt’s Bar. A “People’s Matt’s Bar”! Yes, the Jucy Lucy needs to be saved, and the state of Minnesota is responsible for footing the bill. And if we don’t, well, then it’s our fault if we lose the Jucy Lucy forever.
I propose we build a new, larger, $10 million bar. Imagine the dining experience that Jucy Lucy fans could have! Comfier, luxury booths! More space for waiting customers! A separate bar and kitchen area! Huge televisions on the walls! And, best of all, a brand new parking lot with valet parking!
Yes, we could have all this, plus the owners of Matt’s Bar can capture so much more revenue that they’ve been missing out on! Why, they could charge just a little more for the enhanced dining room experience. Let’s not forget the parking revenue, a must if they are to stay competitive with other restaurants. And there’s the ad revenue and naming rights for the bar… After all, a Jucy Lucy would taste just as good if the place was called “TCF Bank Bar”, right?
Just how much is it worth to the state to keep the Jucy Lucy? Why, for this $10 million deluxe dining palace, the state only needs to chip in $4 million of the total cost. It’ll be easy to raise, we can just create new revenue through expanding gambling! Voila! Free money to give to Matt’s Bar! And, of course, Minneapolis needs to pay $2 million as the local partner for the honor of keeping the Jucy Lucy in their city. That revenue can be raised through a special sales tax in the Powderhorn Park neighborhood around Matt’s Bar. After all, the businesses nearby will all receive a boost just from having this magnificent, new bar nearby. The owners of Matt’s Bar will chip in for the rest with a $2 million loan from the Chamber of Commerce and from the funds from diners buying in to their new “Mug Club”… But if it ends up costing more than $10 million, then the state needs to find more money.
Yes, it’s worth it! Think of all those construction jobs! Think of the waitresses’ and bartenders’ jobs! Would you risk letting those jobs slip away? Jobs! Jobs! Jobs! And tasty, tasty Jucy Lucys! And since this will be the people’s bar, Matt’s Bar will merely be tenants paying a low, negotiable rent to the state instead of those pesky property taxes that other business owners pay. Just think of the pride that you, a tax-paying Minnesotan, will have when you pass by the new bar! Not only has your money provided jobs, but you can look on with pride of being a partial owner of the building that houses the Jucy Lucy.
We can start building as soon as we approve the funding. The new bar can be partially build next to the current bar, and when it comes time to demolish the old bar then Matt’s Bar will be temporarily relocated at the 5-8 Club. Of course, we’ll need to compensate Matt’s Bar for any lost revenue while they’re displaced for construction. And we’ll need to build them their own grilling surface and temporary seating at the 5-8. But it’s all worth it to keep this treasure in our state!
Yes, People of Minnesota, the Jucy Lucy is an important asset that we need to do everything in our power to keep. So, open up the public checkbook! Real Jucy Lucy fans are counting on you for their enhanced dining experience! If Matt’s Bar doesn’t start making more money soon, they could pack up and leave us tomorrow!!!! Friends, we as a state cannot afford to lose the Jucy Lucy. This plan is a necessary one! We must act now!
Okay, so maybe it does sound ridiculous. Matt’s Bar is a privately owned business, and they have ways of raising or obtaining money without public help, no matter how dearly we love those burgers The people of Minnesota wouldn’t be dumb enough to fall for such a scam anyway. Right?